A Football Tourist’s Guide to Portsmouth – Part Three: Portsmouth v Blackpool

If you missed Part One (Gosport Pubs) and Part Two (Southsea), you can find them here and here.

Dear reader, I had a dilemma to resolve this morning. I was required to vacate my AirBNB by 1000 but the pub didn’t open until noon. I didn’t have time for two meals before the match and I really wanted to eat at the pub because their menu was exciting – so that ruled out breakfast. Therefore how to fill two hours?

Step one was to try and blag a later checkout. My landlady offered me an extra half hour, which was gratefully received. I dawdled in my room for a bit, wondering why the speed of US sitcoms is always quicker – with the characters having higher pitched voices – on Channel 4 than other channels (see Cheers and Modern Family).

I checked out without a real plan for the next hour. I passed the Natural History Museum, which I’d hurried round yesterday but would have been ideal for a leisurely visit today.

I continued on towards a lake I’d spotted on the map. I love a lake. They are so serene. I could sit there for hours just watching the birds.

The promised chill had set in so I resolved to grab a brew to keep me warm.

Canoe Lake Cafe

As I approached the counter in this lakeside cafe, I was still undecided as to whether I’d take my brew outside or drink it in the warmth of the cafe.

‘Can I have an Earl Grey, please?’

‘Is that to drink in or take out?’

‘Er…ooh I haven’t decided yet. I would like to sit by the lake but it’s a bit nippy out…’

Blank stare.

I was scared into making a quick decision and resolved to remain indoors. I paid and took my brew over to a sofa underneath a tv that was tuned to a Christmas music channel.

Ah this was the life. It was nice to have some time to relax and not be haring about. Today was a day of rest. This being me, I needed something to do, so set about writing my Liverpool blog.

I’d almost finished it by 1120 when I simply couldn’t wait any longer to head to my hostelry of choice for the day. It was half an hour’s walk away and opened at noon.

I passed back through the gardens of the Natural History Museum and spotted this bee bench, tramping across the grass to photograph it.

As I returned to the path, I observed an elderly couple walking five little dogs. They bade me a cheery ‘good morning’ and that really perked me up after all those blank stares I’d been receiving here since my arrival. This gave me hope and cheered me sufficiently that I decided to take positive action. For the rest of my walk, basking in the southern sunshine, I resolved to bid good morning to everyone I passed, spreading northern cheer. I said hello to the postman and lots of strangers (apart from the ones who looked like they might kill me, which was about half of them).

And then I got to wondering about that elderly couple. They seemed so out of fitting with other people I’d encountered here. I don’t know if you’ve read Holly by Stephen King, dear reader, but it’s basically about an elderly couple who pretend to be friendly but actually lure people into a trap and then kill and eat them.

Anyway, where is this place I’m headed?

Rex’s Arms @ Staggeringly Good Brewery

I arrived early in my impatience and took a seat outside.

Do you remember Staggeringly Good from my virtual Portsmouth trip during lockdown? Basically it’s a dinosaur themed brewery, so there was NO WAY I was missing this on my trip to Portsmouth.

I pondered the menu, even though I already knew I was having the Jerk Chicken Box Meal.

Someone appeared from inside.

‘I’m not really sitting here waiting for you to open, honest.’

This was received with a chuckle and I was invited to head inside and keep warm.

I headed to the bar and considered the contents of the fridge and the beer board.

Obvs it’s the Chocolate & Hazelnut Porter.

I took a bench close to the food counter and also somewhere I’d be likely spotted by any visiting Seasiders.

I approached the food counter and was asked to ‘wait for five minutes – I’ll come to you.’ I returned to my beer and sipped it tentatively as it was 5.4% and I’d had nothing to eat since that curry at teatime yesterday.

I was then advised that the food order point was moving outside. I waited five minutes and headed out, marking my territory by leaving my coat, rucksack and beer at my bench. It was quiet enough that I felt comfortable to do so.

Oh my word, the FLAVOURS in this food! It’s right up there with the best food I’ve ever tasted. I found myself nodding and mmming whilst eating it, which is always a good sign.

The room quickly began to fill up. I was joined at my table by a whole host of Seasiders who were there on my recommendation, including Chris (who we’d met on a ship in Hartlepool) and his wife Debbie, MG (remember him from yesterday?), Matt from Kendal, some Yorkshire Seasiders and BASIL (Blackpool Association of Supporters in London). These visitors came and went and, I’m not sure how, but I found myself hosting a guest table for Seasiders in a brewery bar I’d never visited before. It was kind of cool.

I continued with the strong but lush porter until my third drink, when I decided I’d better go for something with a lower abv if I was to see 22 not 44 players on the pitch this afternoon. I opted for the mead at 4% and very nice it was too.

Of course I checked out the facilities.

The external door was open and the cold was biting in the corridor outside the Ladies. On returning to my bench, I was FREEZING – and I hadn’t even been outside yet. I dug my Hotpots hoodie out of my bag and put it on underneath my body warmer before putting on my coat.

Did I have to go outside in these freezing conditions to watch the match? Couldn’t I stay here drinking mead? Another dilemma.

MG messaged with a set of simple directions from Staggeringly Good to Fratton Park. It was but a five minute walk.

Oh go on then, as I’m here and already have a ticket…

Portsmouth v Blackpool

As is my routine at away games, I made myself comfortable with a pre-match trip to the Ladies, so I could avoid going during the match or at half time.

And then I headed to the refreshment kiosk for a hot drink in an attempt to not freeze to death during the match.

I took a seat towards the front of the stand and was soon joined by Ashleigh and Lauren. It was nice to have some female company for the first time this weekend. It’s also lovely to see young women so passionate about football. They travel everywhere to watch Blackpool – just like I did at their age.

A man rocked up with a flag he wanted help with putting up.

‘How do you do it?’

‘I don’t know – I’m pissed.’

We muddled through and I learned a new skill in the process. Every day’s a schoolday.

And so to the match. Well, you know I don’t normally dwell too much on these things, but allow me an indulgence here.

Remember Portsmouth were top of the league. They were unbeaten in AGES at home.

Dear reader, Blackpool dominated the match from start to finish – winning 4-0. It was one of those games where we looked at each other open mouthed in disbelief and leapt into hugs of celebration.

Like when we won 4-0 on our Premier League debut at Wigan and went top of the league.

Like when we won 5-0 at Larry’s Leeds.

It was astonishing and we fucking loved it. This is a promotion winning team, make no mistake. Fuck what the ‘teams like Blackpool’ brigade might say. You don’t dominate games for 90 minutes like we have done on three occasions in recent weeks without having something special. That something special is Neil Critchley.

AND I managed to stay relatively warm, with a second hot chocolate at half time. AND they left the lid on the bottle of water I bought for the journey home. Today was a Good Day.

Here are the match highlights.

Post match, I hurried to the Ladies to make myself comfortable for the long journey home. Grr where were the ladyproducts when you needed them? I wouldn’t have access to any until we got to Norton Canes services in some three hours’ time. Sort your shit out, Portsmouth. Women go to football matches, too.

Northbound

As always, I struggled to locate the Blackpool Supporters Association coach, which was parked about a mile away. I had asked several stewards for directions before eventually spotting Brian from BSA, who I resolved to follow.

I boarded the coach and revelled in Preston snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, conceding two late, late goals. What a football day this was!

I knew the journey home would be a short five hours – wins always send you home in the fast lane – but what to do with that time? I’d finished my book and forgotten my AirPods (again!). I was forced to spend the time writing, which was by no means a bad thing; it is, after all, what I should be doing with this time (indeed, I’m writing this whilst travelling).

Mid-journey, Lauren approached the coach drivers.

‘I’ve been thinking: if you give me the microphone, I can sing Maggie May to everyone.’

Despite my remonstrations, she was given the mic – and was surprisingly good. She is a treasure.

This got the back of the coach in sing-song mode, belting out a rendition of ‘The Best Trip’. I have long since been of a mind that surely the best trip was our journey to the Premier League. How could that ever be surpassed? But, do you know, I’m seeing shades of Ollie’s Blackpool in this current Blackpool side. So who knows what we might go on to achieve? Indeed, the best trip COULD be surpassed if we got to the Prem and actually got to see the money this time…

By the time we arrived in Blackpool, I had finished my Liverpool blog, written half of my Gosport blog and laid out my Southsea blog and this blog.

‘Bus driver – take us back to Portsmouth!’ someone hollered fron the back of the coach. Indeed it had been such a joyful trip. Thank you, Portsmouth (special shout out to Gosport and Portsmouth FC for their hospitality). I’m already looking forward to going back.

If you enjoy my writing, you can say thanks as well as getting your hands on some hard copy musings and exclusive updates on my book here.

Next Up: Birmingham Pubs.